It’s been a long time…

It’s been 5 years since I have felt the desire to write anything…and now I feel like I have so much to say but where do I start??

I feel like I am always in a state of re evaluation…which really sucks when it comes down to it because it means I’m never just satisfied…with life, with my job, with my abilities…it is something I am working on but just when you think you are getting it there is a major set back.

So in 5 years what have I learned?

• I have learned to be quiet.  My voice is not the most important one and sometimes it’s good to be quiet and just listen.
• I have learned to be careful,  I’m more careful about who I allow to be a significant player in my life.  Not just anyone is trusted…which is sad in some ways and really good in other ways.
• I’ve learned to just take things at face value,  sometimes life just sucks and that is reality, other days life is wonderful and I try to enjoy those days.
• I’ve learned not to compare myself to everyone else (especially that type A personality),  my personality has certain limitations which also limits the type of people who want to be my friend…that is ok!
• I’ve learned that being real is a valuable asset and hiding behind a facade of perfection is not what Jesus would want for me.
• I’ve learned that I am extremely flawed and that in my imperfection is where God can do his best work and I need to just let him do it.

My favorite verses lately come from 1 Cor 13:1 If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

So today, the only striving to do is to NOT to be the clanging symbol and to be real enough that people can see Christ’s love in me.  Nothing else really matters

I am Chosen

I get these great little devotional’s from Max Lucado every morning, & this morning this particular devotional struck me;

“I know those I have chosen.” John 13:18

Would you choose a wanted murderer to lead you out of bondage? Would you call upon a fugitive to carry the Ten Commandments? God did . . . Called his name through a burning bush. Scared old Moses right out of his shoes!

The reassuring lesson is clear. God . . . uses people to change the world. People! Not saints or superhumans or geniuses, but people.

My battle is constant & it is based on this lie I have bought into “I am not someone God could use”.  I know that Jesus Loves me, I even received a message from him through a friend of mine whose gift is prophetic about how much He loves me.  He shows me He loves me in so many ways and yet…I don’t believe Him!

So if I am chosen, what am I suppose to do with that?  I am just me, I love dogs more than people most days…I know most people do not understand that, especially my family, but that is my reality.  I know He created me this way but I feel guilty most days that I am not more connected to the people in my life.  My kids often have gotten the short end of the stick as far as having a plugged in mother.  My husband definitely doesn’t get the best of me so how can I be chosen?

I know all the logical answers, but I do not believe them because if I did, I would be different wouldn’t I?

If any of you have read my testimony you know that I have chosen to live in a fantasy world most of my life.  Its so much easier that dealing with the tough things…so this Journey of letting God have control is a very difficult one because relearning new habits and ways of thinking is really like starting over. I am re-examining everything, my values, my beliefs not only in who I am but in who God is.  Dealing with my anger is not easy either because behind that anger is a whole list of lies I have chosen to believe about myself & about God. It’s kind of like walking around in a dark room cluttered with old furniture trying to find the light switch, often you bump into things that are in the room that you thought were gone & things you thought were there are not where they are suppose to be…

So today’s small beam of light in this dark room is in this statement alone “I AM CHOSEN”

Thanks for stopping by!

Blessings

Dog Shows

So I am really excited to hit the dog show circut again this year.  I’m getting my Westie ready…she is such a nice little dog.  We should do good this year with her I hope!

I am also purchasing my first Yorkie show dog, I am hoping to go and pick him up in February.  I wanted to introduce you to my first BOY dog ever….His name is NITRO  aka “Jala’s Explosively Charged”.  I am sooo excited to get him!  Showing him this year will be lots of fun

Jala's Explosively Charged aka Nitro

The Shows we are attending this year are;  March 5-7 – Prince Albert.  April 9-11 -Battleford.  April 30-May 2 – Saskatoon. July 2-4 –  Cold Lake, AB.  Sept 17-19 – Balgonie…..those are the shows we have decided on going to this year but there may be more depending on time & money.

My Friend Tanya & I & Cassandra will be going to all these shows together and I am looking forward to hanging out with my friend, my daugther and a whole bunch of dogs.  I know many people think I am strange but I really don’t care, the dog showing world is a whole new world and I love it.  I am learning so much everyday and there are more people just like me there, we have a blast!  There are always things that are discouraging, like the politics involved or the fact that it is a really expensive hobby but if you go in just looking to have fun, the politics & the expenses are a small burden to bear in the grand scheme of things.

It is a really cold day today, January is always a hard month for me but today the Sun is shining so it doesn’t seem as bad as it really is.  I hope you are are warm and cozy where ever you are today, Thanks for stopping by, OH & HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Making Sense of it all

This year has been a difficult one for me.  I really don’t know how to explain it….I feel like I am wandering in a wilderness and no matter where I turn there is darkness.  Logically Know that I am not walking this road alone but I feel alone.  I know one day I will look back (I Hope) and know that this will have worked out to my good but it the mean time I am not sure what to do.   I am so angry, I don’t know how else to describe the feeling other than anger.  I am trying not to let it consume me & work through it but where is the end?  Just when I think I may be coming to the end of all of this, another issue pops up!  All the years of being told how to feel and think, the years of being walked on, taken for granted are bringing my anger to the surface.  I am told by my counselor that my feelings are perfectly normal but I feel VERY abnormal.  I am re-evaluating EVERYTHING!  My protective walls are getting bigger instead of smaller, my attitude stinks in just about every area of my life and I feel like I have just resigned myself to the fact that I am a miserable person.  The voices in my head are really loud these days, you know the voice that says “you will NEVER measure up”  “you will never be someone who makes a difference” … and for me right now just trying to block those voices is so tiring.  I am trying to muddle my way through this mess I have made of my life so hopefully on the other side of it I will be a better person.   So for me…I am GLAD this year is over!  Bring on 2010, it can only get better!

My daughter asked me when I would start posting again because she is blogging again so I really do advise you to check out my daughter’s blog. She is such an encourager and growing in her faith by leaps & bounds.  I wish I could post more encouraging words right now but my hope is that 2010 will bring new breakthroughs for me.

Thanks for stopping by & HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Blessings

Thankful Thursday

Well it’s been awhile since I have participated in Thankful Thursday but it’s definitely a habit that I need to get back into so today here is my thankful list;

• These are my Yorkie puppies – They are 5 wks old today!  It’s hard to describe unless you are a crazy dog person like me but these little guys bring me so much joy.  I will only have them for 12 wks and then they will go to their new homes and seeing the people’s faces as they take their puppy home is also a Joy I cannot explain.

• This is Chiqui, she is my sister’s dog!  This weekend is the Saskatoon dog show and I have entered her in it.  I love dog shows and this will be my first show that I am participating in…she is also the reason I am up so early.  I could not sleep after 5 a.m. this morning because of all that I need to do to get her ready for the show this weekend :o)
• Lastly I am thankful for the blessings in my life….my kids, my husband our home.  God is so good to me!

Thanks for stopping by!  Please visit Laurie @ Women Taking a Stand to participate in Thankful Thursday