It’s been a long time…

It’s been 5 years since I have felt the desire to write anything…and now I feel like I have so much to say but where do I start??

I feel like I am always in a state of re evaluation…which really sucks when it comes down to it because it means I’m never just satisfied…with life, with my job, with my abilities…it is something I am working on but just when you think you are getting it there is a major set back.

So in 5 years what have I learned?

  • I have learned to be quiet.  My voice is not the most important one and sometimes it’s good to be quiet and just listen.
  • I have learned to be careful,  I’m more careful about who I allow to be a significant player in my life.  Not just anyone is trusted…which is sad in some ways and really good in other ways.
  • I’ve learned to just take things at face value,  sometimes life just sucks and that is reality, other days life is wonderful and I try to enjoy those days.
  • I’ve learned not to compare myself to everyone else (especially that type A personality),  my personality has certain limitations which also limits the type of people who want to be my friend…that is ok!
  • I’ve learned that being real is a valuable asset and hiding behind a facade of perfection is not what Jesus would want for me.
  • I’ve learned that I am extremely flawed and that in my imperfection is where God can do his best work and I need to just let him do it.

My favorite verses lately come from 1 Cor 13:If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

So today, the only striving to do is to NOT to be the clanging symbol and to be real enough that people can see Christ’s love in me.  Nothing else really matters

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I am Chosen

I get these great little devotional’s from Max Lucado every morning, & this morning this particular devotional struck me;

I know those I have chosen.” John 13:18

Would you choose a wanted murderer to lead you out of bondage? Would you call upon a fugitive to carry the Ten Commandments? God did . . . Called his name through a burning bush. Scared old Moses right out of his shoes!

The reassuring lesson is clear. God . . . uses people to change the world. People! Not saints or superhumans or geniuses, but people.

My battle is constant & it is based on this lie I have bought into “I am not someone God could use”.  I know that Jesus Loves me, I even received a message from him through a friend of mine whose gift is prophetic about how much He loves me.  He shows me He loves me in so many ways and yet…I don’t believe Him!

So if I am chosen, what am I suppose to do with that?  I am just me, I love dogs more than people most days…I know most people do not understand that, especially my family, but that is my reality.  I know He created me this way but I feel guilty most days that I am not more connected to the people in my life.  My kids often have gotten the short end of the stick as far as having a plugged in mother.  My husband definitely doesn’t get the best of me so how can I be chosen?

I know all the logical answers, but I do not believe them because if I did, I would be different wouldn’t I?

If any of you have read my testimony you know that I have chosen to live in a fantasy world most of my life.  Its so much easier that dealing with the tough things…so this Journey of letting God have control is a very difficult one because relearning new habits and ways of thinking is really like starting over. I am re-examining everything, my values, my beliefs not only in who I am but in who God is.  Dealing with my anger is not easy either because behind that anger is a whole list of lies I have chosen to believe about myself & about God. It’s kind of like walking around in a dark room cluttered with old furniture trying to find the light switch, often you bump into things that are in the room that you thought were gone & things you thought were there are not where they are suppose to be…

So today’s small beam of light in this dark room is in this statement alone “I AM CHOSEN”

Thanks for stopping by!

Blessings

Making Sense of it all

This year has been a difficult one for me.  I really don’t know how to explain it….I feel like I am wandering in a wilderness and no matter where I turn there is darkness.  Logically Know that I am not walking this road alone but I feel alone.  I know one day I will look back (I Hope) and know that this will have worked out to my good but it the mean time I am not sure what to do.   I am so angry, I don’t know how else to describe the feeling other than anger.  I am trying not to let it consume me & work through it but where is the end?  Just when I think I may be coming to the end of all of this, another issue pops up!  All the years of being told how to feel and think, the years of being walked on, taken for granted are bringing my anger to the surface.  I am told by my counselor that my feelings are perfectly normal but I feel VERY abnormal.  I am re-evaluating EVERYTHING!  My protective walls are getting bigger instead of smaller, my attitude stinks in just about every area of my life and I feel like I have just resigned myself to the fact that I am a miserable person.  The voices in my head are really loud these days, you know the voice that says “you will NEVER measure up”  “you will never be someone who makes a difference” … and for me right now just trying to block those voices is so tiring.  I am trying to muddle my way through this mess I have made of my life so hopefully on the other side of it I will be a better person.   So for me…I am GLAD this year is over!  Bring on 2010, it can only get better!

My daughter asked me when I would start posting again because she is blogging again so I really do advise you to check out my daughter’s blog. She is such an encourager and growing in her faith by leaps & bounds.  I wish I could post more encouraging words right now but my hope is that 2010 will bring new breakthroughs for me.

Thanks for stopping by & HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Blessings

Long Time No See

Well it’s been a long time since I have been here and it kind of feels like coming back to a long lost friend! 

Working full time has taken allot out of me and sometimes I wonder how long I will be able to keep up the pace that I am going at right now.  I just changed jobs again, my last job was so stressful that I just had to leave.  The environment, the people….it was just a really difficult place to work and I finally after 10 months of working there just couldn’t do it anymore.  When your job is something that you dread every day it really is time to change jobs because it effects everything in your life.  It makes you more tired, always on edge and robs you of joy.  I have learnt that the older I get I must do things that bring me joy not rob me of it.  So I am now on a Journey to JOY! 

Learning to live in constant Joy is definitely hard for me since my natural tendancy is to be negative and look for things to complain about.  The verses in James 1 reminds me though that even in difficult circumstances that joy is possible but it must be a decision or an act of my will.  So with my whole being I am seeking JOY, to live constantly with a positive attitude and the mind of Christ.  I can only change me, I cannot control others or how they treat me, I can’t even control my kids and the decisions that they might make.   The stuff I am struggling with now is learning to say no to things that rob me of joy because I feel obligated to stay in the difficult circumstance like my job.  Where is that line between seeking JOY in EVERY circumstance and walking away when things just suck the life out of you.  I struggle with being TOO responsible sometimes, does anyone else feel this way?  I have always been the responsbile one, the person that you could count on no matter what to get the job done without counting the personal cost to me or my family.  Sometimes being responsible is a bad thing because guilt is my constant companion if I do not fufill all the obligations I agreed to do or say no to someones request of me.  At this point in my life I feel like I am not looking after myself properly because of my need to be responsible.  Am I the only one who feels this way?

So here is my list of things that bring me JOY today;

  • my teenagers – without a doubt they are the most wonderful Adults in training and I am so blessed that God gave them to me.  Is it hard raising teenagers?  YES but I would not trade it for anything in the world.
  • my dogs – they never talk back need I say more?
  • my puppies – my yorkie had 3 beautiful puppies and they are just the most beautiful things in the world right now.
  • camping – I love camping, I love being out somewhere new exploring and the beauty God has created.  I could live in my camper I love it so much.
  • my new job – it’s so much fun just trying out a whole bunch of different places.

Well those are my thoughts for today….I know not allot of people come here to read my blog anymore but if you do happen to stop by please take a minute to leave a comment and say HI.

Blessings

Football, a singing competition and some other random thoughts!

It’s been awhile since I have posted anything and so I thought I would update my blog a little with what is going on in my life.

I am in the process of changing jobs AGAIN!  It’s been a very painful process for me but I don’t regret the last 6 months of this last job because I have learned so much.  I am looking forward to the new job I will be starting on October 27th.  I will be a receptionist at a large truck dealership and I am excited about the possibilities that this new job holds.  Barry & I will be commuting in together because our hours are similar & I work only a few blocks away from where he works so that is going to work out great!

Brandon just finished his first season in football and I have to say that my son looks mighty fine in a footbal uniform.

I was so proud of him and his attitude even though he didn’t get to play allot he kept a positive attitude and the coachs told me how much they enjoyed having him on the team because of his passion for the game.

Cassandra just finished playing Soccer, I don’t have any pictures which is kind of sad because of how Soccer & football clashed I didn’t get to see any of her games but soon basketball will be here and I will get a ton of pictures of my daughter.  She is the type of kid would loves to be involved in sports and I love how she throws everything into her sports.

Next week I will be in Calgary competing in a talent competition and a conference for songwriters & performers.  I am very excited about the possibilities in this competition.  This is an opportunity to meet the movers & shakers in the Gospel music industry and to gain a wealth of knowledge.  I know that I will get some criticism but it will help me to grow as a musician.  I hope to come away knowing if God has a plan for me in the music industry, there is so much involved in being a recording artist and I know that if I go and it doesn’t turn out to well that God is moving me in a different direction.  Your prayers are appreciated though because it will be a little nerve wreaking!

I think that is about it!  That is what is going on in my life in a nutshell, thanks so much for stopping by!

An update finally…

Well It’s been a long time since I have since down to a computer just to write a general blog!  I have missed it and yet it was so great just to take the summer off and enjoy creation, my friends & family.  I have learned so much about myself the last 5 months.  For example…there were several camping trips that we went on without our kids and I realized that I like having them around, even when they are annoying.

They turned 16 & 15 this year, they both had jobs over the summer and it was hard being without them!  I am so blessed to have two amazing kids.

Barry & I got to do something we have been dreaming about doing since we were first married…camp in a camper!  We bought our camper in spring and have spent most of our weekends away enjoying creation and just hanging out with friends & family.

God has been so good to me and sometimes I had to just pause and breathe in the amazing blessings that He has given me.

This fall promises to be incredibly busy with so many things.  I have been asked to Co-lead a Open Hearts ladies group which is a support group for Women who have gone through abuse.  I haven’t said I would do it yet but I feel honored that they asked me.   You can pray with me that God would give me direction in this.

I am continuing to sing on the worship team every opportunity I can but I don’t know what God is leading with my music.  It is something I struggle with because I want to be successful with it but I also feel like there are so many better musicians than me.  You can pray about this with me!  On another note My friend Janelle made her CD this summer and I would encourage you to listen to her songs.  She is really an amazing singer!

I still continue to struggle with my weight.  I sure hope I will figure it all out someday…I really wish I had a quick fix but I know it will be a slow journey for me.  I am sooo sick of being this size so you can pray about this with me too.

Work has been going good, it has been a big adjustment to learn to work full time and still juggle my home schedule.(most of the reason my posts have been very limited)  I’d love for you to check out our website, which is part of my job, helping design and create the website for On Par Home Builders Inc.

My sister and her family moved home to Canada after being on the mission field in Bolivia for over 14 years so we got to take these family pictures this last month.  Isn’t this a great looking family?

We took a few family pictures too…..awww

Well I think that’s all I will post about tonight.  I hope all of you are doing well!

What are you up to?

Many of you have ask what I’ve been up to well I thought I would show you……..

In no particular order…..this has been what has consumed my time this spring & summer so far;

My Kids

My Kids

Watching my kids grow up….

A little camping (I warn you,….it’s a no make up picture)

A little more camping with our new camper (It’s a rockwood roo & we love it)

spent some time hanging out with friends…

Watch my boy suit up for football training camp….

Attend a grad for my friends daughter….

Took pictures close to where I live….

Started a new job working full time……..

Worked on improving the front yard……

I even got a picture taken…….But what has consumed most of my time and is now finally done is;

The POND

I still want to write about my fast but am finding that most of my days are just consumed with regular stuff so I think I will put off posting about my fast until fall when things slow down for me a little.  I still post every Sunday at the PMS Club so if you are missing me feel free to stop over there.

I hope all of you have a great summer!