I have always prided myself in the fact that I don’t avoid conflict, that I stand and face the stuff that comes my way…do you hear a but coming? I feel like I have been living in a dream world, that I have never had an idea of the what reality really is.
In January I started a class called Open hearts which is a support group for survivors of abuse. Initially I decided to take it because someone suggested that I should lead a group sometime but I needed to go through it first. It’s funny though because I have never really considered myself a survivor of abuse, in fact I have always thought I’ve had a pretty good life. Yes there were rough spots but everyone has those right? Let me just tell you….the last 11 weeks have been THE most difficult I have EVER had. In the first few weeks we had to write our story beginning to end(I really had never thought I had a story until I wrote it all down). I couldn’ t believe how painful that was, I cried for days. A few weeks later I wrote a letter to my young self….here is a small part of it;
Dear little Crystal
There are so many things that I would like you to know. I wish I could love the little person that you are but I don’t even think I ever got to know you. You had to grow up so fast and there was never time just to be a little girl….I wish you could have learned early how unique God created you and that He has a special reason for you to be on this earth, maybe if you would have known this you would not have wasted so much of your life feeling sorry for yourself and being angry. Maybe you could have made more of a difference sooner if you would have let go of all your insecurities sooner, I really wish things could have been different for you.
The big Crystal
All of this is opening up issues, deep dark issues, you know, the kind you do not want anyone to know about that I must deal with and yet all week I have been struggling with wanting to crawl back into the dream world I have been living in. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and looking over the edge and trying to decide whether to jump over or not. I desperately want to not have to deal with the “stuff” but I will never be who God wants me to be until I do and jump off this cliff I am on and have faith that He will take care of me. I feel so ugly right now and don’t understand why God would even consider using me, I have wasted so much time. I am so disappointed with myself!
This is a quote from the open hearts book from last week’s lesson “Those who are alive have feelings, emotions and thoughts to deal with. You may feel more like a sinner now than when you were half dead. Are you regressing? No, to feel is to be alive. Now you have to deal with reality and God.”
To feel is to be alive…I have to find a way to jump off the cliff I am standing on, & when I jump off there will be no going back to the old way of doing things. Hopefully after I do I will feel better than I do now.
Merry Christmas & a Happy New year!
From our family to yours!
It’s been awhile since I have posted anything and so I thought I would update my blog a little with what is going on in my life.
I am in the process of changing jobs AGAIN! It’s been a very painful process for me but I don’t regret the last 6 months of this last job because I have learned so much. I am looking forward to the new job I will be starting on October 27th. I will be a receptionist at a large truck dealership and I am excited about the possibilities that this new job holds. Barry & I will be commuting in together because our hours are similar & I work only a few blocks away from where he works so that is going to work out great!
Brandon just finished his first season in football and I have to say that my son looks mighty fine in a footbal uniform.
I was so proud of him and his attitude even though he didn’t get to play allot he kept a positive attitude and the coachs told me how much they enjoyed having him on the team because of his passion for the game.
Cassandra just finished playing Soccer, I don’t have any pictures which is kind of sad because of how Soccer & football clashed I didn’t get to see any of her games but soon basketball will be here and I will get a ton of pictures of my daughter. She is the type of kid would loves to be involved in sports and I love how she throws everything into her sports.
Next week I will be in Calgary competing in a talent competition and a conference for songwriters & performers. I am very excited about the possibilities in this competition. This is an opportunity to meet the movers & shakers in the Gospel music industry and to gain a wealth of knowledge. I know that I will get some criticism but it will help me to grow as a musician. I hope to come away knowing if God has a plan for me in the music industry, there is so much involved in being a recording artist and I know that if I go and it doesn’t turn out to well that God is moving me in a different direction. Your prayers are appreciated though because it will be a little nerve wreaking!
I think that is about it! That is what is going on in my life in a nutshell, thanks so much for stopping by!
I am going to be taking a break from blogging for a few weeks. There is so much going on in my life that I just can’t get into but there seems to be less & less time for blogging.
I am heading to Calgary this week for the GMA awards and for a talent competition! This is really unknown territory for me so your prayers would be appreciated. This next week I am looking forward to meeting some movers & shakers in the Music industry and to see if God has a plan for me in the music industry. It’s scary and exciting all in one package! I know that I will learn so much from this week but there are also allot of unknowns for me too so that is what I am a little nervous about. Just pray that whatever happens I will trust God’s plan in all of it.
Thank you for stopping by & I pray that all of you will have a blessed Sunday!
Today I have to say I am weary! I feel like life has beaten me this week and that I have so far to go in the battle to be who God wants me to be. My character has been questioned, my faith has been tested, and my confidence is gone and all I can do is turn my eyes to heaven and hold on to this verse.
From Matthew 11(NLT)
28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Today this verse was placed as a song in my heart. I know I have so far to go in being transformed & I know more than ever that I have no idea how to truly follow Christ and the sacrifice that following Him will require. Romans 7:21-25 says it so much better than I can
21 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22 I love God’s law with all my heart. 23 But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24 Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? 25 Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.
I know that my only rest can come from HIM & my only comfort is knowing that I don’t have to walk this road alone!
As a side note Pastor Gary & Gord from my church have set up an awesome interactive blog and I think all of you need to check it out. This is a quote from his last post “Prayer is all about transformation not about things. Prayer is about character not about desires. Prayer is about being not doing.”
Thanks so much for stopping by!
Today I have to say I am weary! I feel like life has beaten me this week and that I have so far to go in the battle to be who God wants me to be. My character has been questioned, my faith has been tested, and my confidence is gone and all I can do is turn my eyes to heaven and hold on to this verse. Continue reading