I have always prided myself in the fact that I don’t avoid conflict, that I stand and face the stuff that comes my way…do you hear a but coming? I feel like I have been living in a dream world, that I have never had an idea of the what reality really is.
In January I started a class called Open hearts which is a support group for survivors of abuse. Initially I decided to take it because someone suggested that I should lead a group sometime but I needed to go through it first. It’s funny though because I have never really considered myself a survivor of abuse, in fact I have always thought I’ve had a pretty good life. Yes there were rough spots but everyone has those right? Let me just tell you….the last 11 weeks have been THE most difficult I have EVER had. In the first few weeks we had to write our story beginning to end(I really had never thought I had a story until I wrote it all down). I couldn’ t believe how painful that was, I cried for days. A few weeks later I wrote a letter to my young self….here is a small part of it;
Dear little Crystal
There are so many things that I would like you to know. I wish I could love the little person that you are but I don’t even think I ever got to know you. You had to grow up so fast and there was never time just to be a little girl….I wish you could have learned early how unique God created you and that He has a special reason for you to be on this earth, maybe if you would have known this you would not have wasted so much of your life feeling sorry for yourself and being angry. Maybe you could have made more of a difference sooner if you would have let go of all your insecurities sooner, I really wish things could have been different for you.
The big Crystal
All of this is opening up issues, deep dark issues, you know, the kind you do not want anyone to know about that I must deal with and yet all week I have been struggling with wanting to crawl back into the dream world I have been living in. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and looking over the edge and trying to decide whether to jump over or not. I desperately want to not have to deal with the “stuff” but I will never be who God wants me to be until I do and jump off this cliff I am on and have faith that He will take care of me. I feel so ugly right now and don’t understand why God would even consider using me, I have wasted so much time. I am so disappointed with myself!
This is a quote from the open hearts book from last week’s lesson “Those who are alive have feelings, emotions and thoughts to deal with. You may feel more like a sinner now than when you were half dead. Are you regressing? No, to feel is to be alive. Now you have to deal with reality and God.”
To feel is to be alive…I have to find a way to jump off the cliff I am standing on, & when I jump off there will be no going back to the old way of doing things. Hopefully after I do I will feel better than I do now.