It was her fault she concluded, after all she knew she was going to be a horrible Mother. It didn’t matter that the doctor who read the ultra sound misread it and that the baby was taken to early(6 weeks to early), she still felt that she should have known better. God could never really give a terrible person like her a baby to care for……..she knew nothing about babies in the first place……and then she had 2 babies in 13 months and it was almost to much to bear when you know that you are going to be a terrible mother…..there was not one thing in her life that she could see that led her to a place where children were in her picture. The only thing that she felt she was ever good at was looking after her animals……..cat’s, dogs, horses, bunnies, goats…..you name it she had it…..but babies & children…well that was an entirely different story…..!
Both babies were delivered by cesarean section and she had to go under general anesthesia for both because of complications with delivery with the first one and the second one was planned because it was just easier that way(or so she had originally thought)…….. so, she did not get to experience the first breath of her babies, or their first cry…..when she finally did get to hold her babies she was in awe of this new life given to her……but she just didn’t feel anything really…..she expected overwhelming mothering instincts to take over when her babies were born but nothing happened…..no feelings of joy…….no natural instincts kicked in as far as she could tell……..she was a failure at breast feeding because she did not have enough milk for her first baby….he was colicky too and so there was very little sleep…..and just as she had finally got her son settled into a routine & sleeping more through the night because of the formula she put him on, she was pregnant again. Morning sickness began again but this was not normal morning sickness……this was morning, noon & night sickness…..more came out than stayed in kind of sickness……then she developed bronchitis and she didn’t have a choice but to ask for some help…..moving during her 7th month of her pregnancy didn’t help much either……and now a sick little girl was born to her……was God punishing her? Maybe because she was not happy when she discovered that she was pregnant both times….. God was punishing her for her bad attitude…..after all babies are gifts from God aren’t they? So why did she feel so bad? She spent day after day in the hospital with her sick little girl, pumping milk so they could feed her the milk through a tube……she watched from a distance as the doctors came and went….mostly not saying anything to hopeful just in case something went wrong……always saying that it would be a month before they would even consider letting her go home……..
The improvements came slowly…….first the baby started breathing on her own……a few days later she was off tube feeding and was breast feeding fairly well……..then came a horrible day when she walked into the ICU nursery and found the nurse, the same nurse who told her her baby would die, feeding her baby with a bottle, and feeding her another ladies breast milk……..and then life as she knew it fell apart……..it was only holding on by a thread in the first place……..someone was trying to tell her “oh it’s not that big of a deal” …… poo pooing her tears………but it was a big deal………a very big deal……..in incubator next to her baby was a crack addicted baby whose mother was pumping milk for her baby too…….what would happen if her baby got that milk? Or worse, what if that Mother had AIDS? The hospital administration acted quickly and send a Psychiatrist to the room to help calm her and tried to reassure her that the milk her baby received was fine but nothing could stop the flow of tears…….and she demanded to have her baby released…….she was being unreasonable in the Hospital’s viewpoint……..the baby was still not breathing without extra oxygen……..the nurse was put on leave so this highly irrational mother would not have to see her……..but by the next day after much persuasion from an insistent husband who threatened to sue the hospital, the baby was being released from the hospital on strict orders to bring the baby in for daily monitoring of her vitals and oxygen levels……..Finally she arrived home……emotionally exhausted…..still physically weak from the cesarean………she had to ask for help again……she just couldn’t cope with it all………and within a day of her being home she developed a really bad case of mastitis and the little amount of milk she did have for her second baby just dried up……no amount of pumping brought the milk back……and the formula she used to try to feed the baby the baby had an allergic reaction to and kept very little of it down………she was a terrible mother……nothing she did was right…..Why would God give 2 babies to someone like that? Why didn’t she have any natural mothering instinct? When was she going to feel the joy of having her babies? She was raised in a Christian home and it just didn’t seem right that none of these things were falling into place…..Where was God? Life became a routine where you got up and somehow made it through the day….she was so caught up in her own self pity that the miracle and the gift of her children was taken for granted although she did try her best to care for her young family it just never seemed like she felt fulfilled………when would she ever be happy?
the feelings would come in time….
…..failure is just a stepping stone to success….
I would never trade my children for anything now……..but……I still cry at those commercials where the women is taking a pregnancy test and is eagerly awaiting the results and when it shows positive and she shares the exciting news with her husband and they hug with joy. I wish I could have experienced those feelings instead of the dread I felt when I realized I was pregnant both times ……I didn’t get to experience planning to get pregnant and the excitement that comes with it and I didn’t get to witness their first breath or their first cry……but something I am realizing is that God in his infinite wisdom chose me for these children he knew I needed them and they needed me…..through their life I am learning to live…..really live with Joy & Purpose.
That is God’s gift of life to me!
Brandon is nearly 15 now and full of life & Cassandra is now nearly 14 years old and is a beautiful, vivacious young lady…God has been so good to me!
Enjoy these pictures with me and a short walk down memory lane…..
Cassandra at 8 months old
My little Princess ready for church @ 18 months
Brandon & Cassandra when Brandon was 3 and Cassandra was 2……they are still very close!
* Please note…this is my disclaimer….this story was extremely difficult to share as I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy and re-living some of those feelings and how I have failed my children on so many levels still disturbs me to this day but, I am a work in progress…..I am on a journey….the end destination is to be with Jesus when he will finally say to me “well done, thou good and faithful servant, enter into the joy of the Lord”. I can hardly wait for that day!