In Pursuit of Holiness

This weekend has been one of the most incredible………most inspiring….most challenging….most thought provoking weekends I have had in a long time. Honestly I really feel like I have been in a really dry, dark lonely place spiritually for a long time……..this weekend was like a long cool drink of spiritual water with a big hug attached to it…….
It’s been 18 months since I resigned from my position as a Worship Leader to take on a Worship internship………I knew that where I would be going would be a hard road……….but I didn’t know how hard……….how long! The internship is long over, it didn’t turn out like I expected it to turn out…..I was very disappointed……….things where said that really have made me doubt the vision that I believe God has called me to. I don’t lead the church worship in any real capacity anymore……God asked me to step away from it and give it up…… was something I really struggled with because I really like control (if you haven’t guessed this by the title to my blog already) but God asked me to release what I felt my calling was to Him…… I had to give up control…….many times I have doubted God in this process and it’s by no means over…….I still don’t lead worship……but….. I am becoming a worshipper for an audience of one……..He desires my praises even when all my hope is gone. My pride is being demolished & my desire for God’s presence is growing at an enormous rate……..and I am realizing that as I lay my dreams & visions at the foot of the cross, everything I want and everything I think is right is gone and it’s being replaced with new dreams, new visions…… much more than I ever could have imagined…..and I am so humbled that He would take the time to meet with me restoring my hope in Him, me, the doubting Thomas! He is showing me how much He loves me and has plans for me…….I stand in awe of Him…..I am so ashamed of my doubt and I am so glad that He does not hold that against me, that he doesn’t condemn me but lifts me up.
This verse has been running through my head today and I think it pretty much sums up what I learnt this weekend
John 3:30
“He must become greater & greater; I must become less & less.”
I really am just learning that in my pursuit & desire for Holiness & Godliness that I must lay my human nature, my will & my pride at the foot of the cross daily, sometimes hourly! It’s my nature to sin, to pursue my own desires. Holiness & Godliness cannot exist in co-habitation with that…………Our God is HOLY, JUST………and He wants everything, not because He wants to take things away from me and rob me of fun, but because He wants to show me the mountain tops……how much more my life could be with Him instead of without Him. He is like a bridegroom…..waiting for his bride……..and he is JEALOUS over all the things I put in front of Him because HE wants to be my one and only.
There is so much to say……….but there are no words that can adequately describe what I am feeling right at this moment and this post is already long enough! Thanks for listening to my thoughts.


3 thoughts on “In Pursuit of Holiness

  1. i’m quite tired so i’ll keep this short… it’s great to see God working in your life. your title spoke to me because that is what God is also asking from me. holiness! i looked up holiness in a dictionary and it basically said to be “free from sin”… so that we can be in the presence of God… to be used… to make him BIG and ourselves small. 🙂 i could go on forever! this entry was an encouragement. thank you!

  2. Although at times this journey may be difficult for you and god isn’t giving you externally what you are hoping for…I can see by your words the marvelous work He is doing internally!!! You are an encouragement for many of us as we deal with daily disappointments and struggles.

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