I have to work at joy, its definately a choice for me. Sometimes I wonder how God could use someone like me because of those qualities………..I am so unworthy. I often get reminded by a few how unworthy but I also know that I have a gift, its a pretty incredible gift. I recently read a book called “Extravagant Worship” by Darlene Zscheck. I LOVE Darlene Zscheck, and Hillsong music…..its my absolute favorite…….and reading her book I realised allot of things about myself. I am allot like her, our personalities are similar. Creative people like myself have problems with depression and being overly negative and there is a quote from the book that struck me “One of the worst effects of letting our negative emotions get on top of us is that they make us feel alienated from God”. Proverbs 25:28 “Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self control”. “If we lack self control over our emotional state, we are like an unprotected city that is vunerable to attacks and subject to chaos. God wants us to be creative people who walk with strength and security.” I had never really saw my negative emotional state as a lack of self control. Its definately something I have been working on since because I believe in the fruit of the spirit and its evidence in our life. One of the way to combat negativity is memorizing scripture and filling yourself up so much with God that there is no room for anything else. This is something I have to work on more.
Today was a hard day for me, I don’t know why, I feel like I am crawling out of my skin and I having a hard time concentrating, I have not been sleeping well either. I am very irritable too and some of it is brought on by circumstances and some of its unexplainable……….I hate this feeling! I know what it is but I don’t want to deal with it because it means medication and I hate the side effects of the medication.
I also need to lose this weight but every time I try…………well I give up……..I want to lose it but yet it requires more work than I want to put into it.
Sometimes I wish there was ONE BIG PILL just to fix all my problems…………because I hate the work involved but I know that is not right……….but one can dream can’t they?
I worked today and for the most part I don’t mind my job but it was dead tonight and I had one of the managers…….not my manager but one of the other women tell me to do something to make myself look busy, specifically clean, but its not in my job description to clean. I am a cashier, that’s it! I hate it when that happens………..we are the most scrutenized group because we are the cashiers and everyone thinks they can tell us what to do. It was so irritating and seriously if I had to deal with her on an ongoing basis I would quit this job. I try to be a witness at work and I try to control myself and just do what they ask of me but today it was really hard. I want to do things with a good attitude but when someone treats you with disrespect its really hard. I feel like I did it, I control my response but my attitude stunk! Its one of those days when everything got on my nerves…….
Oh well I should go to bed! See if I can actually get some sleep tonight!


One thought on “ONE BIG PILL

  1. Hi,

    How are you feeling today? Better than yesterday? I sure hope so. I’m sorry that you had such a bad day yesterday. I did too, really bad, but I won’t write about it here. I’m still praying for you, that you’ll get everything figured out in your life, to make life easier and for you to be easier on yourself. I know that its so hard not to be negative, sometimes you just can’t help yourself. Thats interesting, that a “negative emotional state is lack of self control”. When you think about it, it does make sense. You need to stop yourself, change your focus onto something positive, find the bright side in something, not the dark.
    This is kind of off topic, but you had asked me what were the symptoms of my pcos, I’m sorry that I never got back to you about that. I’ll write them to you in a personal email.
    Well my dear, I hope that you have a better day. Take care.

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