Finding purpose in pain

Well the last few days have really challenged me mentally…….I have been praying about why I have been going through some of the things I’ve gone through lately. The last two years have been tough and I feel like I am walking a tightrope between my family and my church. My parent’s left the church almost a year ago and they are still harboring resentment against people in the church. Then there are my friends, my second family and I care deeply about them and I care deeply about my parent’s and siblings so I am just trying to care about both and its getting harder and harder. My family resents the fact that I stayed at the church when they left, and its really hard cause I do understand their point of view but I don’t just walk away when the going get’s rough. Both sides hold responsibility in what happened in the church but only one side holds resentment and wishes for bad things to happen to the church as it stands now. There are people who are in the church that still view me as my parents daughter, this also hurts me so either way I walk a tightrope……I have been thinking lately that we need to get off this tightrope. We need to move….maybe that will help restore some of the relationship I have lost with my family…………and I still have my friends no matter what! My husband suggested to me last week that maybe I should apply to be a worship leader/pastor in other churches so I have been praying about that. Yesterday I spent the entire day working on my resume to apply to churches……….this also brings with it fear! Fear of the unknown………..fear of rejection because not allot of churches hire a woman as a worship pastor……but I spent some time talking to my Pastor about it and felt better in making the decision to at least try and see if God opens a door.
I have been a Worship leader in this church now for almost 7 years and its never been a paid position I just did it cause I loved it and I believe it’s my gifting. I have been dealing with a large amount of different emotions in applying to different churches because to some degree I will have to put myself out there………maybe I have gone through all of the “stuff” in the last two years because God is preparing me for something else. Lots of emotions though from unworthiness to “who would hire me?” I do know however that those things would not come from God. I just have to remember my worthiness in His eyes, not anyone else’s.
My thoughts lately is that I need to focus on being more positive and using my creative energy to be what God has called me to be.
Ok so on to a new vision, here I go, please pray for me!
Good night!

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