Grief Musings

Today I was thinking about grief, and I have been down this road before. The first time I can remember is when 3 of my cousin’s where killed in a head on collision when I was 14. Elden, Ruth & Erwin were some of my closest cousins. Elden was my sister’s age so I don’t remember allot about him but Ruth and I make endless little cakes and cupcakes with her easybake oven she was my “twin” or so everyone said. Erwin was like my big brother………My biggest memory of him was him trying to teach me how to ski……And of course I was hopeless because I have two left feet…….He just smiled and kept saying “you can do it”. He finally gave up after a ski do had to come pick me up because I couldn’t get up…It was hilarious looking back! I have never tried to ski again. 3 weeks after the ski trip he went skiing with the youth group again and I was suppose to go along, Erwin and Ruth both begged me to come, that I would get it someday I just had to keep trying they were going to pick me up I think. I don’t remember exactly but when I got the call that they had been killed I was so upset because I was suppose to be in that car…..I changed my mind last minute………And I went numb! The next were my Grandparents, one by one sitting by their bedside watching them waste away…….First my favorite Grandpa. Then my not so nice Grandpa……..He loved his horsewhip………Need I say more! Then came my favorite Grandma, she died slowly in a nursing home of Altzhiemer’s(sorry I am a bad speller). I had another Grandma who I don’t remember cause she died when I was 3. I also have a series of Uncles who have passed away in the last 10 years but I was not close. Then my cousin Kelly died 4 years ago in Bolivia………..he was soo young. His parents are missionaries in Bolivia and he was washing his dog outside and the dog was tied to their air conditioner….somehow a live wire with 22o volts ran down the chain where the dog was tied and he started biting Kelly…and Kelly realised what was happening and tried to untie his dog and the current went through him (220 volts) and his heart stopped never to start again. It was one of the most devastating loses to my family. My children had him as a camp counsellor the summer before his death and they loved him and he loved them. He had thousands of people who attended his funeral……..several people came to know the Lord because of his testimony. Then in January Gerry one of my leaders in my Business found out that he had Pancreatic Cancer and this began the struggle for him but by April he went to be with the Lord. Then in January as well a young man came into my life named Derek. We became fast friends and I met his wonderful Grandma, well we just adopted her……….she was the gram we were missing in our lives…………..during this time I also found out about Dwayne’s diagnosis………….about 6 weeks ago Gram died of luekemia and it was a rather painful death and now Dwayne. Each of these people had amazing testimonies and impacts in people’s lives…………………and grieving them has been so painful….but we weren’t even the people closest to them but the pain of their death has not been any less painful. My cousin’s testimonies were amazing……….many people came to know Christ because of Eldon, Ruth, and Erwin but it almost destroyed their parents because they were left with one son who by the way was in the accident to and will be forever a handicapped person with severe brain injuries and no short term memory……..less than 5 years later their Mom passed away of Cancer to and left my Uncle to grieve the loss of his entire family. He still looks sad to this day…and he will never be able to forget because of me (I was Ruth’s twin after all)………
Sorry major memory lane today but here’s what it comes down to…….”Through all the grief, I have lost the art of grieving” remember the great things, the memories not the horrible way they died. Allowing myself to feel bad that they died…….now that’s a big one in Christian circles because we are suppose to rejoice that they are in a better place………and they are but the pain of our loss is no less. So I have learned to avoid grief……..yes I cry……..but I avoid the memories because the pain of loss is so great…….after the funerals I make myself busy with everything in my life so that I don’t have to feel it……..the deep pit of grief……..the pain that can engulf and consume but ultimately heals the soul. I realised today that I have never allowed myself to grieve because I really have no idea what that should look like. My parents always taught me “hide your emotions, don’t let anyone know what you are feeling” so you bottle it and you know what it turns into……..Anger…….always just beneath the surface and it comes out in the most unlikely times. At the kids when then want to snuggle for example…..its hard for me to show my love for them and it irritates me when they get to close to me. Come to think of it, it comes out mostly with my kids and its something I want to change……….I love them deeply………they are so precious to me! My Anger has made me unattainable to my children……….even some of my friends have commented on how closed off I seem at times, how they are afraid to hug me! You know its risky to love and love deeply…………Wow……….OK that has to be enough grief musing for today……….it sure has been enlightening to me, I hope it was for someone else to! If not I apologize for all the bunny trails I took…..and wow it took me 4 hours to write this blog…..I hope that no one thinks I am feeling sorry for myself, cause I am not, these were just some of my thoughts today and the memories that have surfaced……….Good night!

One thought on “Grief Musings

  1. God bless you for your courage. Grief is a very difficult thing, and I think very biblical. Paul said that we grieve, but not like the unbelievers who have no hope (1 Thess 4:13). I didn’t hear anything hopeless in your post. Loss is sad and gives us an opportunity to lean on Jesus and on others. Paul also said that we comfort as we are comforted by God (2 Cor 1). If we aren’t supposed to grieve and experience pain, why would we need to be comforted by God, and how could we comfort others? You’re on the right track. Talk about it – write about it – think about it – cry about it. But always remember that “keeping busy” is a much-needed vacation from the pain. Just don’t forget to come back to the work once you’re rested and recharged. And don’t try to keep to anybody else’s schedule of what’s a “proper” amount of time for grief. It’s your trip, and only you know that. God bless and my prayers are with you as you journey. Sue

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