The Black Hole

Last night and this morning I have had this feeling of incredible sadness and yes alas Anger…….and its coming out in everything I say and do. Not sure why maybe its a combination of losses of 3 people who have died in the last 6 months that I knew, and people I considered friends or maybe it’s just the loss of Dwayne…….and it is silly to me considering we have not been close as friends since Bible school days and that was over 15 years ago. I just feel so silly being this angry but I also don’t know what to do with this emotion and it’s just sitting in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I really should have no right to be this sad!
I went to Church today to pick music and get ready for worship on Sunday and Nick will be preaching on Matthew 13 on Sunday. The Sower of the Seeds, and you know I kept thinking of Dwayne and how many seeds he has planted that have taken root because of his testimony. Then I thought about what I am doing and I have to confess I really don’t think I am doing enough. Its so easy to get caught up in every day life that we forget that we are missionaries wherever we are……many people go overseas to be missionaries but we don’t need to cause Canada is less than 6% “Christian” and less than 1% of that 6% is evangelical. We are the only Jesus that people may see EVER and whether we like it or not we are setting an example everywhere we go. Sadly that can be a bad example and many people are turned away from Christianity because of one person who was having a bad day or didn’t think about the words that they used in judgement instead of grace. Its really making me evaluate even my home life and how I act in front of my children because that is my primary job.
Lately I have been having a problem dealing with the internal voice that is condeming me because I am not good enough. Its like a broken record, every mistake I have ever made keeps being brought up. I know its the evil one, the DEVIL and I should not listen because its making me ineffective but right now it is just overwhelming me right now. I need to lead in the position I am in but how can I lead when I feel like everything is falling in all around me? I Know I am called to be a Worship leader but I feel like my passion for it is dying and I am not sure that if we would move that it would help or maybe I am just burnt out. Hopefully I will find some answers soon so that I can learn from this and move on.
Anyways that is all for today…….my kids are fighting upstairs and I will have to go

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2 thoughts on “The Black Hole

  1. Crystal – Thanks for your blunt honesty about where you are. I’m a mental health therapist, and I just want you to know that losses definately add up. Any one of them alone might not bury you, but in combination, one right after the other, they can. The strange thing is that sometimes the last one isn’t even that “big” of a loss, but it will be the one that does a person in. I’ve had clients before who finally fell apart because the family cat died (I’m in NO way trying to be funny). The accumulation of multiple losses can be deadly. Take time to grieve them all – even for the ones with whom you weren’t “all that close.” They’re all in one, single great big pit together now. I pray that was helpful. Sue

  2. Hi Crystal,
    I’m really sorry for how you feel. It seems like you have just been through too much. I wish I had the right words to say, to make it all go away, but I don’t. All I can do is support you in prayer, and I will. I don’t want to say this, but maybe “Sue” can help you get out of this hole that you feel you are in. Check her out some more, see where it goes.
    Take care, praying for you.

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