Life’s Frustrations

So today is really not a good day!  Things are just piling up for me!  The older I get the more I realize that I invest way to much energy into people and they disappoint me every time.  I am sure I am not the only one but there is a list of things just bugging me today.

I feel like I am invisible and that there is no one that really cares .  I guess I am a little old fashioned when it comes to actually keeping my word.  If I say I am going to do something I actually do it but it seems to be a rare quality in people these days.

I feel like I try really hard to be a good friend & stay in touch with people but lately I  feel like I could disappear and very few people with the exception of my Mom would notice.  We missed church for more than 5 weeks this summer and nobody noticed & that is kind of painful.  Then there is a friend of mine who is not a Christian and does not go to church but she misses me & gives me heck if I don’t call her or we don’t talk at least 3 or 4 times a week.  Something is wrong with that picture in my eyes when Christians are suppose to be known for their love for one another.  But then I think it must be me right? What is wrong with me as a person or even as a friend when the friends I thought I have don’t even notice when I am not around?  Am I under a delusion of some kind believing I have friends when I really don’t? Or is it a condition of our society that we don’t invest in peoples lives too much anymore because we are too busy with our own lives and/or don’t care to get involved to deeply for fear of getting hurt.  Or is it just me feeling sorry for myself? 

I am sure I will get over this at some point but more and more I feel like just packing in all in and disappearing to some corner of the earth.  BUT then the cycle would start all over with a whole new set of people who would let me down or hurt me or reject me in some way all over again. 

I guess it all comes back to this…we have to choose to keep doing the things we believe are right even when it’s not reciprocated and we have to choose to not dwell on the things that drag us down…but some days it is a really tough job.  Today is one of those days for me!

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. “

Phil 4:8

Blessings

Crystal

Thankful Thursday

Well it’s been awhile since I have participated in Thankful Thursday but it’s definitely a habit that I need to get back into so today here is my thankful list;

• These are my Yorkie puppies – They are 5 wks old today!  It’s hard to describe unless you are a crazy dog person like me but these little guys bring me so much joy.  I will only have them for 12 wks and then they will go to their new homes and seeing the people’s faces as they take their puppy home is also a Joy I cannot explain.

• This is Chiqui, she is my sister’s dog!  This weekend is the Saskatoon dog show and I have entered her in it.  I love dog shows and this will be my first show that I am participating in…she is also the reason I am up so early.  I could not sleep after 5 a.m. this morning because of all that I need to do to get her ready for the show this weekend )
• Lastly I am thankful for the blessings in my life….my kids, my husband our home.  God is so good to me!

Thanks for stopping by!  Please visit Laurie @ Women Taking a Stand to participate in Thankful Thursday

Long Time No See

Well it’s been a long time since I have been here and it kind of feels like coming back to a long lost friend! 

Working full time has taken allot out of me and sometimes I wonder how long I will be able to keep up the pace that I am going at right now.  I just changed jobs again, my last job was so stressful that I just had to leave.  The environment, the people….it was just a really difficult place to work and I finally after 10 months of working there just couldn’t do it anymore.  When your job is something that you dread every day it really is time to change jobs because it effects everything in your life.  It makes you more tired, always on edge and robs you of joy.  I have learnt that the older I get I must do things that bring me joy not rob me of it.  So I am now on a Journey to JOY! 

Learning to live in constant Joy is definitely hard for me since my natural tendancy is to be negative and look for things to complain about.  The verses in James 1 reminds me though that even in difficult circumstances that joy is possible but it must be a decision or an act of my will.  So with my whole being I am seeking JOY, to live constantly with a positive attitude and the mind of Christ.  I can only change me, I cannot control others or how they treat me, I can’t even control my kids and the decisions that they might make.   The stuff I am struggling with now is learning to say no to things that rob me of joy because I feel obligated to stay in the difficult circumstance like my job.  Where is that line between seeking JOY in EVERY circumstance and walking away when things just suck the life out of you.  I struggle with being TOO responsible sometimes, does anyone else feel this way?  I have always been the responsbile one, the person that you could count on no matter what to get the job done without counting the personal cost to me or my family.  Sometimes being responsible is a bad thing because guilt is my constant companion if I do not fufill all the obligations I agreed to do or say no to someones request of me.  At this point in my life I feel like I am not looking after myself properly because of my need to be responsible.  Am I the only one who feels this way?

So here is my list of things that bring me JOY today;

• my teenagers – without a doubt they are the most wonderful Adults in training and I am so blessed that God gave them to me.  Is it hard raising teenagers?  YES but I would not trade it for anything in the world.
• my dogs – they never talk back need I say more?
• my puppies – my yorkie had 3 beautiful puppies and they are just the most beautiful things in the world right now.
• camping – I love camping, I love being out somewhere new exploring and the beauty God has created.  I could live in my camper I love it so much.
• my new job – it’s so much fun just trying out a whole bunch of different places.

Well those are my thoughts for today….I know not allot of people come here to read my blog anymore but if you do happen to stop by please take a minute to leave a comment and say HI.

Blessings

Dog Show in North Battleford

Let me introduce you to my newest passion….showing dogs.  Ok so it’s not the best picture of me but look at the dog…her name is Chatty and last weekend she completed her championship(earned a total of 10 points in the show ring).

I was so honored that my friend Nancy not only asked me to support her this weekend but she also asked me to help show Rico.  It was my first time in the show ring and I did not do the best but it made me want to learn more about being a great handler.

Now I know all of you are thinking…she’s always been a little crazy….and you know what…I think I am sometimes,  but this weekend I found a whole bunch of crazy men & women just like me and I had a blast.  There was no one saying ‘why do you want another dog?’  Everyone was just like me and could have 5 or 6 dogs or more…it felt so good to fit in just because of my love of dogs.  Now these guys are pretty special in my eyes because they are Yorkshire terriers,  there is something about this breed that just makes you fall in love instantly and all of you know my sweetie is a Yorkie.  She is the reason all of this began.

Now this is Chiqui (Cheeky).  She is a Westie or West Highland White Terrier and she hopefully will be the dog I am showing in Fall of this year or spring of next year depending on how fast we can get her ready.

Chiqui is my sister & brother in laws dog and she is a beauty. She’s only 7 months old but I can hardly wait to see her in the show ring.

Anyways that is the crazy dog lady’s update….I hope you enjoyed the pictures!

On the Precipice of Change

I have always prided myself in the fact that I don’t avoid conflict, that I stand and face the stuff that comes my way…do you hear a but coming?  I feel like I have been living in a dream world, that I have never had an idea of the what reality really is.

In January I started a class called Open hearts which is a support group for survivors of abuse.  Initially I decided to take it because someone suggested that I should lead a group sometime but I needed to go through it first.   It’s funny though because I have never really considered myself a survivor of abuse, in fact I have always thought I’ve had a pretty good life.  Yes there were rough spots but everyone has those right?   Let me just tell you….the last 11 weeks have been THE most difficult I have EVER had.  In the first few weeks we had to write our story beginning to end(I really had never thought I had a story until I wrote it all down).  I couldn’ t believe how painful that was, I cried for days.  A few weeks later I wrote a letter to my young self….here is a small part of it;

Dear little Crystal

There are so many things that I would like you to know.  I wish I could love the little person that you are but I don’t even think I ever got to know you.  You had to grow up so fast and there was never time just to be a little girl….I wish you could have learned early how unique God created you and that He has a special reason for you to be on this earth, maybe if you would have known this you would not have wasted so much of your life feeling sorry for yourself and being angry.  Maybe you could have made more of a difference sooner if you would have let go of all your insecurities sooner, I really wish things could have been different for you.

The big Crystal

All of this is opening up issues, deep dark issues, you know, the kind you do not want anyone to know about that I must deal with and yet all week I have been struggling with wanting to crawl back into the dream world I have been living in.  I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and looking over the edge and trying to decide whether to jump over or not.  I desperately want to not have to deal with the “stuff” but I will never be who God wants me to be until I do and jump off this cliff I am on and have faith that He will take care of me.  I feel so ugly right now and don’t understand why God would even consider using me, I have wasted so much time.   I am so disappointed with myself!

This is a quote from the open hearts book from last week’s lesson “Those who are alive have feelings, emotions and thoughts to deal with.  You may feel more like a sinner now than when you were half dead.  Are you regressing?  No, to feel is to be alive.  Now you have to deal with reality and God.”

To feel is to be alive…I have to find a way to jump off the cliff I am standing on, & when I jump off there will be no going back to the old way of doing things.  Hopefully after I do I will feel better than I do now.